PC Blenda Montoro Miller
For women only (or inquisitive men who don’t get queasy easily!)
Since baby amnesia kicks in about 5 seconds after your baby is born, even remembering all of the ails of my pregnancy is a challenge (maybe mom brain has something to do with that, but definitely the baby amnesia too)…and my latest birth was only 4 months ago.
Both of my pregnancies were similar, but I had some very strange, “no-wonder-no-one-mentions-this” side effects that I just think need to be told to new moms. Because some of it freaked me out. Some weirded or grossed me out, and you don’t hear about these things on your “fruit-sized-baby” app. You have to search the babycenter forums to discover if your weird body experience is just a pregnancy thing, or your health is deteriorating.
****Men don’t read on unless you want to be grossed out by real pregnancy talk. It can get gruesome - I’m very serious****
PC Blenda Montoro Miller
I had some of the normal symptoms:
Bloating
Fatigue
Forgetfulness
Hormonal
Fat feet
constipation
Blah blah blah.
These ones are expected. What nobody tells you about are the ones like:
new and plentiful skin tags
Hemangiomas (blood vessel clusters that look like a red mole or patch on your skin)
Spider veins
Lots of discharge
Swollen lady parts after sex (ya! that’s a thing!)
Massive and dark colored areolas
leaky boobs
voice changes
drooling
can’t hold in farts…or pee
joint pain (I thought I was getting rheumatoid arthritis in my hands)
shots of pain (sciatic nerve) down your legs and in your butt
…the list is endless
Not all at once, I assure you. And every women's experiences are different.
Just wait until you’re walking along in the grocery store with your big belly, no big deal, and suddenly BAM a jolt of pain in your butt and down your leg. “Whoa that was random” you think, and then BAM! It happens again 4 seconds later, and then BAM! 1 minute later…you look like a spazzy jumping bean walking through the grocery store, that is, until you discover that walking with wide legs, bending at the knees and kicking your right leg out helps stop these pains, then you just look weird.
I only experienced a number of these, but let me tell you…let me just tell you. Because you need to be prepared for any of these things at any stage of your pregnancy. And although the symptoms themselves are unusual, know that you are not. You are experiencing strange but normal things, and unless its really bloody or super painful, you and the baby are probably just fine. We are all in this mum thing together, and know you’re not alone in these experiences.
So warn your fellow moms-to-be. Don’t let them worry something is wrong with them. Next time you’re talking with your pregnant friend, instead of the generic “get ready to wear nothing but stretchy pants!” you can say “Just wait until you have sexy time and afterwards your lady parts double in size for an hour! It’s crazy!” Yikes.
***
As you near the big “due date” there is no way to prepare for what’s about to happen, really. But you can try.
First off, babies don’t need a lot of stuff. You don’t really need to load up on most of the supposed “necessities,” buying into it is just making someone rich and your house more cluttered. Think minimalistic, and you’ll probably still overdo it.
Physically prepping, some people do the perineal massage every couple of days to prevent tearing. I tried it but wasn’t into it. I tore with my first badly, but not with the second at all.
Maybe take a voice class as prep. I’m a singer so I know a thing or two about this…singing uses similar techniques to good labor breathing. It sounds a little silly, but when you’re in labor, groaning in a lower pitch while exhaling during contractions can help reduce the contraction pain significantly. My sister said she followed the ghost cries coming from down the hall when she arrived to help during my labor…
Bring coconut water - lots of it! I had my husband crack almost a gallon’s worth of coconut water when I knew my second was on his way (but we still had some time to kill). Say yes to ice during labor.
Hmm…mainly just know that all your inhibitions will be lost midway through labor (or sooner), so get ready to be exposed. Don’t worry about pooping or not while you push (I was very concerned that this might happen, but suddenly when you’re pushing a head out of there it becomes less important). My sister, who I invited to be a part of our son’s birth, reminded me recently of my “pee on the floor” labor moment…one I had totally blocked out of my mind. My contractions were coming so hard and so fast I couldn’t make it to the bathroom, and I couldn’t tolerate a laying position (thus ruling out those little hospital bed porta-potties), my husband put a puppy pad beneath me and said “just go” and I’m practically crying, “I can’t do it! I can’t!” when finally my pride was brought to an all-time-low as I gave in and I blubbered “I’m peeing on the floor…” All the while my sister is trying not to make me mad by laughing at the ridiculousness of this moment she’s observing. Like I said. All your inhibitions. All your pride. It’s just gone. At least I can laugh about it now.
Also, have a plan and so long as there’s no danger, don’t let anyone persuade you from it. You will be proud you stuck to your guns and feel like a victorious warrior afterwards (you gave birth, you ARE a victorious warrior! You beast you!). That applies to whatever your plan is. My husband actually tricked me into sticking to my plan (delay and distraction).
Have a support person besides your man. It really helps! Doula, mom, sister, best friend…whoever you’re ok with seeing you this way. And it gives your guy a break if you have a long labor.
Listen, there is A LOT to know about birth, and while it hurts like hell, you really can make the most out of it when you know somewhat what to expect. Know that your body is made to do this. Know that you can do this. It is empowering the more you find out about what your body is capable of. Research it. Read Ina May’s Midwifery book, it is pretty empowering. Watch Ricky Lake’s movie Business of Being Born . Question doctors, not because they aren’t doing what they think is best - they usually are! But because you will educate yourself and know if their suggestions are what you know is best for you (this is regarding optional procedures and drugs, not in the case where something is definitely wrong).
Some birth-y things to look into:
***
After baby arrives, you enter la-la land. Your hormones are off the charts, you have this little human on your chest…you’re crazy in love…it’s a wild moment.
And then they start pushing on your uterus and next thing you know you’re birthing placenta and your contracting uterus hurts almost as bad as your last contractions. That’s real life. Also, if you tear, they start pricking you with numbing shots and sewing you back up. A small form of torture. Fortunately you have a distraction, (a new baby) and I highly, highly recommend skin to skin time immediately after birth. Let that cute little creature find his or her way to it’s new food source and watch nature take it’s course. Check out the link(s) above on that. The likelihood of a great latcher begins here. Let them get on your boob ASAP. Spend some real quality time afterwards just you and baby and the papa. 1-2 hours at least! If you’re at the hospital, they can do their protocol later. Put your foot down. I find it so funny they say “get some rest!” and then come in every two hours to take your or baby’s vitals…good grief.
Listen, if you care to know, we don’t vaccinate. You may and that’s great for you. But for those who are on the ledge, just know that hospital staff is great at making you feel like you’re doing something terribly wrong by not vaccinating. They don’t say this directly, but subtly and sometimes demeaningly. If you are choosing to opt out, you hopefully have done a ton of research (this site is really great for alternative views on vaccines and know your reasons why. If not, you MUST, because if you don’t have the information supporting your decision, you will likely be persuaded into thinking you are a bad parent through subtle fear-mongering. Just remember, it’s what they’ve been taught is best, so if you don’t know why you’re opting out, you probably will end up doing it.
My hospital of choice really does it right. They have rooms with a queen size bed that you and hubby rest in with baby in the little baby caddy beside you, all warm and cozy. It’s almost like a hotel, but…still a hospital. We get a “goodie bag” of leak pads (like the ones you use for new puppies in the house), monster pads, peri-bottles (a MUST for a good wash down there after using the restroom), Tucks, body disinfectant spray (only if you get stitched up), and various baby goodies you can take home with you (diapers, comb, brush, some creams if you want them).
Hopefully your friends got you a mealtrain.com thing coming for ya, because you won’t be making dinner. If your labor was anything like my first one, you might leave the hospital with lady parts the size of China (My first labor I pushed for 4 hours and the swelling was SO bad! It was so unnatural looking…). Fortunately it takes only a few days for this to go down. You also have no tummy muscles. They have been stretched to the brink and you feel like you got the wind knocked out of you when standing up. Because of this you use other muscles to do things, that aren’t meant to be used for those purposes. Sitting up in bed to feed puts all kinds of strain on your neck and shoulders, and constantly looking down at your boobs and baby is a position your neck is not familiar with yet. You will suddenly have ridiculous neck & shoulder pain about a week after birth. (oh hey, and while pushing you just used and strained every ounce of muscles you have to get that baby out). Be prepared. If you have a friend or family member who does killer massages, now is the time to call in that favor…
I learned about padcicles from a blog online and let me tell you - they are little miracles wrapped in pink plastic. To make them, just get witch hazel, and large pads. Squirt the witch hazel onto the pads about 2 tbsp each all over, fold it back up, put all in a gallon ziplock and put in the freezer. Each time you need a new pad, use one of these. Insta-rellief.
Anyway. Thats all the unconventional tips and warnings I can think of for now. Babies are awesome.
PC Blenda Montoro Miller
Birth…not as awesome. Hope this helps you prepare!
Until next time.
Shaloha!
PS If I offended you, sorry. Birth is a very personal thing. This is not intended to offend. This is just my experience and what I've learned along the way. Ciao!
