EmoMama: The Taboo Topic

For all you mamas out there, and empathetic non-moms.

Personally, I don’t ask for sanity hour enough.  My husband works a ton and when he comes home asking to surf on occasion, although I am often one hop away from jumping the couch, I let him.  Unfortunately I don’t always see him off with a great attitude.  Mainly because I’m jealous that I didn’t get to go have me time too, and with our lack of free time and being on boob demand, I always feel…almost a sort of guilt for even thinking to ask.  It’s not a pretty scenario and it’s caused some recurring arguments.  

We’re fine, we’re just in this “work hard while you’re young” phase and it’s freaking exhausting.  And the thing is, I suspect if you’re a mom, you’re feelin’ it too, you just aren’t saying it.  

Lets talk about the negatives and end with the positives.  Nobody ever seems to ‘fess up to the troubles of life, so I’m sharing mine here so you know that you’re not the only one.  This “Taboo” topic is going to be discussed right here, right now and we are then going to cover solutions.  Here goes nothing.

I have mommy brain, badly.  I can’t seem to walk through our 1 bedroom rental without forgetting 5 different times something from the other rooms.  My conversations are frequently halted by a fleeting thought, and the topic at hand is completely forgotten.  Sometimes spurting out a sentence that makes sense can seem like a challenge.  Honestly, I feel like I’ve lost a 10th of my brain.  

I, too, have emotional breakdowns on the kitchen floor, or wherever I’m standing (generally cooking in the kitchen) after gradually the screaming baby and whining toddler and ridiculously annoying DJ boombox toy and musical car overwhelm my being and I. break. down.  Personally, I can only calmly say “use your regular voice, I don’t understand when you talk that way” so many times.  This is a new thing for me, because I never used to lose it.  At least very infrequently.  Now it’s just like a weekly stress reliever.  If you haven’t experienced these yet, they will come, during one of the many stages of parenting I’m sure.  For me it took two kids for them to set in.

As mentioned above, my guy and I have “discussions” about why he needs to go _____ing (surfing in our case) for his “sanity”.  I try to relay that he works with adults.  Adults.  I repeat: Adults.  We are in two different “work” worlds and it’s difficult to relay what being with an infant & toddler all day everyday can do to your nervous system.  When he gets home, my work isn’t over, but at least there’s one of us per kid (you 3 and 4-kid mamas, I commend you.  You 5 & 6er mamas, you crazy!). 

If you’re in a similar stage as us, you may have mounting responsibilities and issues to address like a mortgage or insurances, demanding neighbors…I don’t know.  But it all adds to the stress.

My point in all this, is the only way to make it through with all your screws screwed in tight is to *share* and *release*.  

I just learned this, yesterday.

Here comes the positive.

We are battling sick in our house this week, and as you know the all encompassing internet health “Man” who writes on the internet about child sicknesses plays into our fears and suddenly we’re sure our kid has the Spanish Fever that hasn’t been around since the 1900s.  Not literally, you know, but you’re worried the cough is their lungs shriveling up, or the blister is a skin disease…the internet sucks in that regard.  Not only that but you’re reading these articles worrying the life out of you while your baby is crying and coughing in your arms and your daughter just sneezed out snot the size of China.

Anyway, after a really terrible morning and my weekly breakdown session yesterday, I had some attitude when my guy came home and I told him, rather than ask, that I needed to go out for a while.  I could’ve been more tactful and kind, he wouldn’t have denied me, but in that moment I didn’t want to explain why, I just wanted him to know this was something that I needed to happen -_-  

I don’t generally have “me” time.  Honestly.  I say I want it sometimes, but don’t end up doing it.  I would much rather hang out with him for the short times that he is home than “go out” by myself, but I listened to my gut in this instance, and off I went.

I had no idea what to do with myself and it was raining.  So I went to the post office and drove in a big neighborhood circle.  I knew I wanted to sit down and look at some type of beautiful scenery.  I finally decided on the beach, figuring I could look at the water from my car if it was still raining.  

Fortunately it was perfect weather where I went.  I sat on the sea wall in a semi-shady spot and stared at the ocean.  It was seriously the perfect amount of windy, the perfect amount of sun on my skin, and the perfect amount of shade for my face.  I decided no phone, and I sat there doing nothing for an hour.  Just let the thoughts skitter around in my brain until it calmed down.  My body relaxed and my posture and outlook changed for the better.  My thoughts started moving away from me instead of toward me…like “I need to give _______ a break from her kids so she can try this out…this is freaking amazing”.  In fact in that moment I was ready to give all my mommy friends gifts of “free time” (watching their kids with mine) so they can have this moment without having to ask their hardworking husbands to take the kids…I actually still want to do this.  Anyway, the time I spent doing nothing really did something good for my soul.

I also realized us mamas need to make an effort to find other mamas to relate to and spend time with.  Like…a mama support group.  An evening a month of childless wine drinking, tears, crazy lady laughter and mommy-brain conversation.  Prayer too if you’re into that.  I am.  Once I started to admit to these things, it was crazy how many moms responded in kind.  We aren't in it alone unless we choose to be.

Our lives changed big time when we became mamas.  As one of my girlfriends confessed to me once, when I was still childless and wanting to chat about “deep” things while her kid was running around, she said something along the lines of “Just know I’m listening and trying to focus on what you’re saying, but it’s like half of my brain is permanently fixed on [said kid].”  I wasn’t offended (I don’t offend easily, and I know that wasn’t her intent), but what she said stayed with me and brought some light to what motherhood is, and now, it definitely rings true.  I talk about a screaming baby and whiny toddler (which happens, frequently) but when my girl is singing “A B He Be” and “Twinka Twinka Twinka litta” and my son is giving me his grand & toothless grin, I melt.  Being their mom is the most stressful, wild, exhausting, sweetest, joyous most rewarding gift.

So lets admit to our failures, not be so hard on ourselves, don’t let fear take hold.  Lets take breaks (even if you have to fight for it), relate to and help one another.  Not because we necessarily want to (we probably do though), but because we need to.

On that note, my next post won’t be so serious.

Also we’ll be talking about the all-encompassing internet health “Man” soon(ish).

Shaloha!