I haven't done a blog in over 3 years. Haven't missed it either.
But the circumstances are unique this year. Things are changing (BIG TIME) around here, and for the few of you who want to hear what's been shaking things up, I thought I'd share my story, which has rapidly morphed since earlier this year. No pictures today guys, all business here...
“You are a much loved child of the most high God!” - Una, the woman who became my daughter’s namesake - would say to us often when we stayed with her during our visits to Israel. Her husband John, a wealth of knowledge on the bible and bible history, gave us some of the richest (in understanding) tours of biblical areas in Jerusalem back in 2011 & 2013.
After walking through Hezekiah’s tunnel (and where the gishon spring still flows) into the area where the pool of Siloam has been partially excavated…we sat there on the pool steps, imagining people sitting there, dipping for healing, hoping this would be the day for a miracle. Imagining what it would have been like with Yeshua spitting in the mud and rubbing it on the blind man’s eyes, and when he washed in the pool of Siloam, could see! It was a quiet moment on the steps, and soon John started doing a little question/answer segment as we sat. It wasn’t long before we couldn’t answer his questions, and he asked in such a kind but altogether convicting way “don’t you guys read your bible?” I should have been mad, or offended, but instead I was just...well, you know. Convicted. I realized in that moment that besides whatever the pastor went over in church, and some of the New Testament….no, I didn’t spend much time in the Word.
That was kind of where it started. I grew up a bible-believing Christian (mainstream-style), and in my mid 20s grew an interest in Israel. So we saved up and went, but it was after that question John asked, that I realized there was a lot I was missing. So I started reading my bible like I never had before. I don’t remember the exact chain of events, but I recall lying facedown on our old living room floor begging for Truth. I believe it was shortly after I learned of all the disgusting pagan roots to many of the manmade traditions I had once held so dear. It wasn’t hard to ditch the traditions. I wanted to learn my Papa’s ways, and let me tell you, my bible got a lot more colorful after that.
The wealth of knowledge and understanding I gained from reading through the Tanakh and unlearning a lot of doctrine, it came with a cost. Heavy disagreements with family came during a time when I still couldn’t well explain my new understanding of Torah. We were told we were in "a cult" (although by definition impossible because our "leader" was Yahua and the bible, so...). But we had vigor and excitement, and even our best friends and their growing family were right there learning with us. It truly was a sweet couple of years that built up a strong foundation that had never been laid. It was also when we wrote the “Good Medicine” album back in 2013.
But it didn’t end there. Papa allows us to be tempted by our own evil desires. All this revelation also came with another downside for me. An addiction of sorts. To knowledge. To finding out what I’d missed. I went down some weird paths. I sought man’s wisdom. I began questioning much more. If Yeshua was actually Messiah. If the New Testament was corrupted and had validity. During this time I also popped out 3 babies in 3.5 years, so my studying and searching time almost came to an abrupt halt. Having babies was (is) joyous and wonderful, but also I was confused in my faith. What was I going to teach my children to believe? There were a lot of unanswered questions floating around in my head, and eventually I just became okay with not having answers - for a while, anyway.
For whatever reason, and I can only call it mercy, I could not put aside what I had learned about the importance of Torah. I knew that there was a Father, or at least a Creator, and that he has a standard. And I believed the wisdom of the Torah laid out that standard. I couldn’t shake it. So we still did the feasts (sometimes rather half-heartedly), and ate clean, and stuck to the moral constructs of the commandments - kind of. I didn’t actively study them anymore, but I was familiar with them, so that was good enough, right? (no). I also knew, that when the time was right, He would let me know about Yeshua and all the other unknowns.
In some circles they call this “deconstructing.” I didn’t deconstruct on purpose, but that is what happened. I felt like so much of what I once believed was completely broken down and I didn’t know which parts to pick back up. I wasn’t trying to convince myself of something one way or another though, I was earnestly seeking Papa’s Truth. Whatever that was. Whenever he wanted to show me.
Guys, you’d think this is when it would get better, but instead I got more deceived. I started falling into the “universe is one”, “we’re all connected by energy” New-Age Thinking. It wasn’t about crystals and vibes…it was that “God created it, so it must be good, we all must be good - he is too merciful to punish sin” type thinking. I started reading about the science of magic mushrooms and it helping people in addiction. I didn’t have any serious addiction problems, but the experiences sure sounded amazing. I am ashamed to say it, but we went hunting for cow pies, and found the shrooms we were looking for. After learning (from reading) that even a few wouldn’t give the “experience” I was hoping for, we threw them in the mulch pile and forgot about it for a little bit. (Trust me, writing about this makes me cringe).
Then guess what happened? We got some good rain and suddenly our yard started shooting up hundreds of them. Everyday, more and more. All I could ever possibly need to have my “experience.” And yes, they were the right ones. We live on Kauai. Plenty of people are very familiar with them. So here it was, “god” supplying in his infinite abundance, the shrooms I needed to have my experience with “him” to get the answers I was seeking about Yeshua or whatever. But… we were about to leave to visit family, so I put it off thinking I’d do it when we came back. (This was very clearly satan tempting me, not Papa’s generous abundance, but I didn’t see it that way yet).
While we were in California, the state started hurling into lockdown mode for CV. We went to the wedding we were there for and changed our flights to leave sooner (there was no way we wanted to get stuck in CA indefinitely). My “wokeness” on vaccines, propaganda, deep state, blah blah blah -caused me to be fully skeptical to the reaction the media was inducing. I wasn’t scared of the virus, not even a little. I was scared of what the virus would cause to happen in our social construct. Was this the beginning of the end? (maybe!). What about all our plans? We got home, and as they began locking down the islands, I spent the next few weeks freaking out while also diving into the bible that had collected dust over the past few years.
I started in Revelation, and Papa… He is faithful. He is steadfast. He was waiting for me. Just thinking about His goodness makes me cry happy tears. When I read about the church of Ephesus, that they had “forgotten their first love”…He was telling me I had forgotten my first love. Who was my first love? Yeshua. That’s how I was introduced to Papa, was through Yeshua, and that’s who I had forgotten. He opened the floodgates and he hasn’t stopped. He showed me His wrath for the sorcerers and pagans who use pharmakeia to induce visions…and how close I had come to my desire bringing forth sin and death (see James 1:15). I repented for my error, for forgetting my first love, for not first seeking Him and His Word with all my heart, soul and mind. And wouldn't you believe it, the mushrooms stopped growing shortly after this change of heart.
From then, which was not even that long ago, my desire for media, for “truth blasting” stories on vaccines and other similar topics on social media, for ingesting all of the CV-related alt news that I got sucked into…it is sloughing off like dead skin. I do believe He is faithfully chastening us, correcting us, and calling His back to Him, removing distractions and raising us up in Truth and Spirit, to know Him and make Him known in these times. I know there are still layers He is peeling off of me.
One of my big ones is to trust in my knowledge instead of trusting in His Spirit to lead. Instead of asking His Spirit to lead. Pray for me in this! There are areas He has yet to work on me and I am working to be still and listen. But I feel more confident now than ever in my life, that Yeshua is Messiah. That the NT is valid and valuable, as is the Torah that I couldn’t shake. I finally feel confident in what I am teaching my children, and how they are blossoming in their little faith walks is absolutely a gift from Papa. I desire to die more and more to myself everyday and be a slave to Messiah, because what good is any of it without being His?
He's doing some other insane things (insane to me). We are moving from the islands soon. We are walking into a place we've never been and going to be driving up that state with open eyes and ears...allowing his direction to lead us to the place he has for us. We want to depend more on Him, and less on our government and the order of life that we have bought into for so long. If it is to prepare us for hard times - this may be the case. If it is simply to draw us back to focus on Him and our children more, that will be an incredible blessing as well. We will hit big learning curves (cold weather friends, help me learn some stuff!), but we are excited and sad. Majority of our family is here on Kauai, and we love it here, but He will provide!
So that's it. Not all pretty. Embarrassing some of it, but you know what...if it helps anyone being sucked into New Age thinking from moving forward into it, it is all worth it!! Don't stop studying and praying! Man's wisdom only goes so far. Satan is so sneaky, and jumps at the opportunity to pull us away from Papa.
Anyway, Pray for us if you think of us. I hope my story can inspire you to call upon Yahua! Ask for Him to take any veils off that are still lingering, pull us from the deceptions we are believing. To mold us to be more like His Son, and that we would desire to BE like Yeshua!
SHEMA ISRAEL Yahua our Eloheim, Yahua is One.
